preparing, but not really

I'm supposed to be cleaning and packing, but instead I've just assembled various outfits before throwing them on the floor. I've been looping this playlist since early afternoon, for a couple of hours at least:

"I Would Be Sad" The Avett Brothers
"Tickle Me Pink" Johnny Flynn
"Brown Trout Blues" Johnny Flynn

Last night Sam sent me a message from Argentina. I'm glad that so many people left before me, because they say things about being abroad that I wouldn't have prepared for, like, "I think the distance from familiarity, from the mother tongue, is starting to make me go a little crazy. Now, I only hear English in dreams, and can't find the words I want to say." But I don't know how you can prepare for stuff like that. I've been doing a lot of other mental preparation though, talking myself out of anxiety and into unprecedentedly high levels of self-esteem and -confidence. I used to really envy those characters in The Neverending Story who were born as old people and died as newborns, but lately I've felt like them more and more, like I can't wait to be forty or fifty or sixty because I'm going to be really vibrant, much more youthful and creative than I am now. Lately I've been gaining more conversational ground (you know, actually having things to say and then saying them), and I find this really promising. I am a promising individual. I'm excited to capitalize on this potential while in Barcelona; I'm getting excited to leave. I'm much happier because I talked to my parents and think I've decided against going back to Knox after Barcelona, to just stay in Kansas City and be productive in the planting gardens, making coffee, and going to community college kind of way. The only thing is that I'm going to miss everyone at Knox a lot; I think they're who I've always wanted to be friends with.

In the meantime I've been doings lots of Kansas City things. Everyone's back in town for my last weekend, so there are barbecue dates with my dad and Franzia sippin', porch-sittin' nights to be had. It's happy, sweeter knowing that my days are winding down.